Time for Everything
There is a time for everything.
Perhaps this is true. When dreams are just fantasy and goals seem unreachable, I talk myself down, reminding myself that today is not the future, but a small step toward it.
I'm complicated and flawed, easily prone to beating myself with a measuring stick belonging to someone else, still seeking outside approval and the sugar rush of a compliment. A tough ask when I spend much of my time alone. Do I really need external stroking or am I missing my own steady guidance and a clear vision of today? I'm an addict. I like instant gratification, even knowing the feeling will soon wear off, I will choose it.
Smoke 'em if got you 'em, right?
In the tasteless present, small opportunities sit in front of me, and reminding myself to claim them usually takes nothing more than a reminder that these are more bricks I can add to the big build. Bland and inconsequential on their own, the wall never gets higher without them. There is a time for everything. Time to find the bricks, time to gather them, and a time to add them to the dream.
I'm just emerging from a long depression, a dark period where I felt I was moving farther away from happiness each day. I questioned the value of sobriety, saw nothing getting better, and found no valid reason to keep getting up each morning. I did it anyway. I didn't know why then, but there is a time for everything. Perhaps that was a time to survive, to let my heart catch up with the changes in my head.
Now, as the curtains open again, I have more experience and a better appreciation of my own dogged determination. I am less than a month away from a 2-year sobriety milestone which I would never have reached had I not added one sober day to another. Some days the bricks were hard to find, heavy to carry, and didn't immediately fit.
There is a time for everything, but today, I don't need to look for imperfections in my work. It is, after all, just a fucking wall.
Days are going by quickly, and spending much of time on my craft, I am working at better rather than perfect. This morning, having a quick review of some work yesterday, and determining that it truly sucked, I put a little energy in to making it suck less. I can put it away without throwing it out, confident that the next one will be better, because I'm learning from my mistakes, committed to refining my skills. More bricks.
To have dreams is to be alive, even when they seem impossible. There is a time for dreams and to be grateful for having them. There was a time, not so long ago, when I didn't dare. Perhaps that was a time for something else - a change I needed to make then that is allowing me to dream today.
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Disclaimer - I base my articles on my own personal experience as a recovering alcoholic and addict. I share about what has helped me, what I have learned about myself, and are to provide insight into my recovery. I encourage anyone struggling with mental health and addiction challenges to consider talking to a professional clinician. You are worth it.