It has been a wonderful summer.
I thought a lot yesterday. Not the deep, confusing, or over analyzing kind of thinking... just thinking. Frankly, being able to just have this quiet reflection, is another reminder of how much has changed in my life, in my days, and in my once troubled mind. I'm grateful for it.
In the past several months, I've done a lot of things I never thought I could do again. I have even done some things I have never done - or at least never had the courage to do. I was thinking about many of them yesterday and wondering why, after all these years, does it just seem so different in my head?
Sure, sobriety and proper medication helps. Jennifer's counselling has helped immensely, but all those are just the how things have changed. I think the actual difference, probably because of all that, is that I like myself right now and I am the most comfortable I have ever been. My body doesn't feel like someone else's suit that never quite fit right, pinched me in the wrong places and left me feeling self-conscious and fake. I don't mind being me.
I am not looking at someone else for approval or acceptance and don't crave validation from others. Amazingly, being me, warts and all, has opened up parts of a world where I fit in. I have new friends and have met many new people this summer and this, among other changes, has lessened my loneliness. I can function around people and I can also enjoy my time to myself. Almost sounds like a little balance? WTF?
Ironically, in not seeking validation, approval, and acceptance has brought all that too. It is funny how just being an authentic human being, wearing your life without shame, brings good people, the right people, for you into your life.
Perhaps that is the way it should be. We find our people, let them find us. This world can smack the shit out of us sometimes, and we have the ability through our flaws and mistakes to be vulnerable to it. The last thing we need is any help from the wrong people. They can make their own team - they don't need to play on mine.
I know this post is short, but I will end with a conversation I had with a friend the other day who I was catching up with. He asked me what I had been doing and without even thinking I just said, "I'm just being me."
He didn't ask for clarification, but acknowledged that I seemed happy.
And do you know what? I am happy... and that's a long way from where I was.
Just keep living friends and find your people. They are out there.